About Me

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"i'm a bitch, i'm a mother, i'm a child, i'm a lover. i'm a sinner, but not a saint ... I've been where nobody else have dared. I am what no one dreamt of being.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

My One Day - Dec 18, 2012

Marriage is a one of those roads less traveled. It offers a different course to each wanderer, making the adventure far and apart, and it also makes you second guess each and everytime, about almost everything.

Married people, or those who are in a relationship for that matter, are often asked, "Why him/her?". It's a vague question, if you ask me, and not inappropriate. It is vague in the sense that one would almost never give a definitive answer to the question, even after years of being together. One may say that "he loves as much as I love him", "he takes care of me so well", "he'll be a good father/mother", "he/she compliments me", or even as inane as "his eyes are beautiful". And, God forbids, even until death, you will never get to point a finger as to why you chose that person to be the one you've spent your whole life with. When you are gray and older, would you look at your other half with the same fire when you first met? Or you look back and say "It would have been better".

The question is not inappropriate. I know,  that sounds confusing. But you see, nobody is entitled to question your decision over something that important. It's your choice, and you are the one who has to live with it. Not unless you really don't care a bit in the first place. Nobody has the right, but everybody is allowed to be concerned. It is, after all, supposed to be ever after right? And these words - "ever after", they are utterly frightening. Eventually though, it wouldn't be just you two. New life may be created by you, and will depend on you on a lot of things. Are you in this together for the long huddle?

So, in this age of skepticism, what makes the pros of being married heavier than the cons. What would it take for us to believe and have faith on the the vows of forever?

I, to be honest, after 11 years of being married, has no solid answer to that. We, our marriage, will always be a work in progress. We still stumble from time to time, make wrong turns, hurt each other, and other people, unintentionally or not, go against what other people perceive to be the "better option", be human. But we will always try to swim up the shore, cope up as much and as swiftly as we could. I know we've just scratched the tip. But, looking at our two wonderful kids makes me look at what we have in a different perspective - positive and never giving up.

On one reflective moment in my life years back though, and I remember it vividly to be in the wee hours of the night  and having these crazy thoughts about whether everything is all worth it, it came to me, that in spite of and despite of all that has happened and are to, I can never see myself to be with anyone else other than my husband. I can never see my kids having a different father other than their dad. That I am holding on and keeping this marriage intact for better or for worse.

I guess everybody's entitled to have their own way of dealing with their marriage. And I give my respect as you deserve. To each his own, as they say. I am saying a prayer to us all who have made the leap into the ocean of uncertainties of being married, with a partner, being parents - no matter if we all choose to swim together or battle the tides alone. I pray that we all be the best of what we can be for ourselves, and for the people that we love, and to always have faith.

I am writing this as a homage to my husband, my partner, my better half. 11 years honey, and we are still counting.

Friday, September 07, 2012

Isang Gabi ng Parokya

Amongst the bands that went mainstream in the early 1990s, I think the only band that remained intact (except for a few years when Vinci took a 'leave') was Parokya ni Edgar (PNE).  And it's been, what, 20 years? If that is not enough to speak for the bond that vocalist Chito Miranda, lead guitarist Darius Semaña, rhythms Gab Chee Kee, bassist Buwi Meneses, drummer Dindin Moreno and back-up vocals Vinci Montaner, I don't know what else could. For the avids, it will be very noticeable that few of PNE's songs speak about their brotherly love for each other, Yes Yes Show to name one.

In their Wikipedia entry, the band' name is roughly translated as Edgar's Parish. Funny  enough, the throng of people that filled The Arena in Clarke Quay looked like a prayer rally (was also quipped by the night' host), ready to be moved by their witty, straightforward wordplay, and be blessed with good music.

Parokya ni Edgar's highly anticipated gig last September 2 was supposed to be a one night-only concert but due to overwhelming response, the organizers were pushed to open a Saturday slot. But, for those who were too eager to grab tickets for the Sunday event were in for a great night of music, bonding, fun and camarederie that only Parokya, as a band, can give.

A few front-acts revved up the excitement which included 2 dance groups (names slipped my mind), showband Stella's art, metal-trash sounding Tao band, and our personal favorite, reggae-sounding Ranara band (they were cool, really!).

Ranara Band pre-performance

The Arena was so jam-packed that the air-conditioning system turned out ineffective. But despite waiting in line for about two hours, and waiting a bit more for the front-acts to finish performing, everything turned out to be all WORTH it. 

just got in!

excited for the event to start

Chito's opening spiel was so warming it melted everyone's heart and surely set the pace for the rest of the night.

"... Kagabi nakasampung kanta lang kami. At balita ko, ito yung original date ng gig (concert) at kayo, kayo yung mga naunang bumili ng ticket. Dahil diyan, maraming maraming salamat pare. Request lang kayo ng gusto nyong kantahin namin. Enjoy lang tayo pare.."

Their first song was the classic Buloy. And just hearing the intro, the crowd went a notch wilder. All throughout the show, the echoing chants. singing and cheering were defeaning  and electrifying. Chito and Vinci's friendly banters were very entertaining, and made you remember again and again the years these guys have spent together as a band; made you feel how tight they are. Chito were coercing Gab and Darius to gang-up on Vinci but he found allies with Dindin and Buwi, who started the intro for Vinci's solo turn on the mic with Maroon 5's Moves like Jagger. Man, Vinci girating? That was hilariously entertaining. Ang so was his and Chito’s shoulder-twists during Mr. Suave.

Vinci, sporting the Mr Suave mustache and having been teased since the beginning as not being able to memorize any of their songs aside from Picha Pie, belted out Rivermaya's Elisi and Wonderful Tonight to the delight of the crowd as they chant his name after Chito's continuous teasing.

Chito: "talagang tatapusin yan ha?" (You really intend to finish that, huh?"
Vinci: "Syempre" (Of course!)

Vinci's one retort went like, "..Oh pano yan, ako pala gusto nila. Pwede ka nang umuwi."  (How about that? It’s actually me they want. You can go home.), which caught Chito off guard for a quick second, and gave the crowd the chance to joshed on Chito. Vinci even urged the crowd to shout his name even louder. This fired up the frontment’s jousting all the more, much to the delight of the everyone.

But before that, Vinci took the spot to sing Picha Pie - and I literally meant he took the spot as he chose to leave the stage for a while and walk along the divider in the VIP section. The people was in a frenzy.

Chito sang each of the songs with so much gusto and never fails to shout out his appreciation to the crowd. Vinci's equally passionate back-up vocals and making faces took the spotlight from Chito from time to time. He's just a delight to watch and listen to as well.

One highlight of the night was one girl from the crowd was requested on the stage to sing "Pangarap Lang Kita" with Chito. She looked, interestingly, prepared for that moment. She sounded nice, in all fairness, and look good as well. Dang, what would I give to be whispered on to by Chito, be hugged afterwards, sweat and all. Deym!

  Anyways, in anticipation, or probably I just miss their music, I listened to just PNE's songs for a few days priour to Sept 2, and it's so noticeable for me how much Chito's voice have changed a lot. It's more thick, manly, if I can use that description. Must be the change in his built.

Aside from what has been previously mentioned, they sang (at least as far as my memory serves me) Harana, Halaga, Sayang, Boys Do Fall In Love, Alumni Homecoming, Para Sa Yo, Your Song (My One and Only You), Muli, Elisi, Gitara, Silvertoes, Mr. Suave, This Guy's In Love With You Pare, Maniwala ka Sana, Sorry Na, Inuman Na. They ended the gig with Yes Yes Show, which I think beautifully sums up everything they made fun and talked about the whole night.

It’s so heartening to feel how much appreciation the band has with the love they are getting, not only from the people who filled up The Arena, but to everyone who has supported them all these years.

Parokya rocked Singapore for one night and that one night was how concerts are supposed to be - frantic, high spirited, communal, sublime, down-right fun, no-holds barred, honest, music filled. Seeing them in the flesh, a bit bulkier compared to their earlier days, made me realized they've aged. I've aged. But their music, their passion, their hunger for every chance of a good performance, and their love for those who have been at their backs lives on.

Hanggang sa muling bagsakan!

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Missing "Me"

I used to be Ms. Confrontational. On my forehead you can read "DO NOT MESS WITH ME", and in my mouth forms the words "I SWEAR YOU ARE GOING TO REGRET IT".

If someone cross me, that's his/her end. That person's world will flip as it turns 180. If you raise your voice on me, mine will be more defeaning. If you curse, I'll give it back ten folds (not counting what's left in my mind, unsaid). If you touch a friend or a family member, I'll give you a kick like hell.

That was me. The me now is very, very different. When I became a mother, that "me" took a back seat - far, far back. Though it sometimes forgets I don't want her anymore and resurfaces, especially when I am provoked. But most of the time, even when my vision becomes blur of too much anger, it stays where it is; burning, in a straightjacket.

Sometimes though I miss that "me". Whenever I am in a situation when someone feels he is in charge when in truth is, he ain't; when someone believes it so hard that his rationalization is very acceptable when actually it is dumb; or if someone tries to be a know-it-all, I look back to that far, far end of my being, wanting to unleash that "me" and give this person a high doze of his own medicine.

For a few weeks now, that "me" has been waving too franctically because of some people who are really trying my wits. And I have come too close for switching places with it even for just a few moments. But, I guess, with much divine intervention and support from real friends, I find the will still to turn my back on it.

But please, God, help me.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Matt Bomer as Christian Grey, or nobody

That my most ardent dream is to see Matthew Bomer play the lead protagonist Christian Grey in the highly anticipated screen adaptation of the controversial 50 Shades of Grey trilogy from  E L James.

And there is no turning back. Here goes everything, as they say. If ever Christian's character won't be played by Matt Bomer, I may still be in the theatre to watch the adaptation, not to enjoy it, but to find even the most minute flaw of whoever is gonna play it.

I came across this very believable and interesting magazine cover. Damn right the grey silk tie would look perfectly on Matt!

an image created by an equally crazed-for-Matt-as-Christian-Grey fan

I've been asked "You still like him even if he's gay?". With raised right brow and finger snap I say, "Yes, Sir!". The question is baseless.

Screenwriter Bret Easton Ellis, who has his palms twitching to have a go with the novel, must be bombarded with tweets and messages to not look for any face or name anywhere else - you only have one perfect choice! See there's even a petition going for this cry.

Look here! I also got a snapshot of the tweets shouting for the same request!

I must have said this a million times, and there's no stopping until the fat lady cries - Matt Bomer please!

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Heartbreak on the 4th

The guy above is Charlie Lubeck. He's one of those whom I am rooting for in the second season of The Glee Project. Inspite his originality, enormouse talent and impressive credentials, he was cut out of the show. And it was sad, as sad as when Cameron Mitchell voluntarily left the show's first season.

I kinda expected that Charlie Lubeck will be eliminated the moment he was announced as  part of the bottom three, for Fiercelessness week in The Glee Project Season 2. It's his fourth in a row anyway, and the reason for being so is still on the same line - that he has his own world when it comes to group challenges (basically means "you don't follow instructions, Charlie!"). And his entertaining rendition of Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual" wasn't enough to save him another week.

Did producer/write Ryan Murphy make the right decision that week? Or, were  Robert Ulrich, Nikki Anders and Zach Woodlee even in their right frame of mind putting Charlie on for performance in front of Ryan Murphy? I swear Ryan could have casted Charlie as a regular of Glee the first time he saw him. Who wouldn't? Charlie is a complete package - looks, chaps, charisma. But the reality is, Ryan wasn't looking for a newbie to play "The Charlie Lubeck Show". He is looking for someone he could create a character and write interesting stories for, and could go well with the rest of the cast.

And, to be fair, they did a good job with Samuel Larsen and Damian McGinty so they must know what they're doing right?

Thursday, July 12, 2012


So, I am more than 50 shades deeper into the twisted life of Christian Grey. But, like his muse Anna, it kind of feels like finally seeing  the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. For how long and excruciating the ride will be, I'd now when I reach the final page.

What is it again that draws me to this book? Yeah, it is Christian - and all his hang-ups, baggage, and fucked up notion of how life was, and should be, for him.

I am trying to be patient here with him, probably as much as Anna does. And it is hard to do this and be able to focus on work.

I've dived in deep and I am liking it.

Tainted with 50 Shades of Grey

There are a few things that I go through to feel, or know, if a book is a good read or not. First, I read the synopsis. If I didn't find it any good but have this nagging  "I'd-be-making-a-big-mistake-if-I-put-it-down" feeling, I read the first paragraph and see how this feeling is turning into. If I still find the first paragraph not enough, I flip on a random page and read the first exchange of dialogues I could see from there. And, fortunately, by that time, the feeling will be as clear as the sun and I am on my way to find a "nice place" to let the time pass by in the company of a good, lengthy read.

But,  as always, there is an exception to the rule. And it comes with the title 50 Shades of Grey - an adult literary piece that talks about passion, eroticism, romance and conflicts, in the most easy-breezy way a novelist could ever have penned.

Alright, apart from the uncommon love story between a gawky, insecure, yet unknowingly feisty woman (Anastasia Steele) and a domineering, way-up handsome and established man (Christian Grey),  the novel speaks about the "unspeakable" truth and existence of a kind of relationship called Dominant/Submissive, and how this intricacy provides (or prevents, depending on what perspective you take) the way of mending a broken past and develops a better future for the two.

The book, for me, is a combination of  literary classics like  Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibiliy (both by Jane Austen)  or Jane Eyre (by Charlotte Brontë) and Anne Rice's erotic composition The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty. 

One would enjoy the high-falluting words sporadically used, for one. The vivid and luscious description of "distasteful" sexual acts like bondage, spanking, blindfolding, gagging, hard and seething sex may be too incomprehensible and too much for one's palatte. I remembered uttering reaction such as "geesh!", "ouch!", "fuck off!" at times. But as I continue on, I found myself envisioning it with such pleasure and excitement. Needless to say that accepting that this is an integral part of the characterisation of the lead protagonist is very important. One has to see it on a bigger scale and not just take it as it is. Of course there are "hard limits" and "soft limits" to a Dom/Sub set-up, as the novel suggested, so both parties must be clear on this onset. Above all reason for doing anything is,  "you aim to please". Do I sound like I am wanting it?

The emotions, sceneries, tension, and game plans were described in such a way that it would make you feel you were there, you were them. It helped that the novel is set in this generation - the characters, the technology, the surroundings.  It is easy to understand, it is easy to be in the moment. The shifting of emotions were quick yet crisp. The characters were depicted with individualism, but with perfect coherence to the story.

I laughed, got teary-eyed, got frightened, hated, got confused, got excited, sympathised, cried, got worried and aroused while reading the novel. It was a roller coaster ride of emotions! I went to sleep and woke up after a few hours with the characters, especially Christian, in my mind. And if I try to deviate my attention, it his face (or how I imagine him to look like) that I still see. I feel for him more than I do Ana.

Is 50 Shades of Grey a good read then? Absolutely. It makes you want to reach the end and asking for more when you finally do. Good thing it is a trilogy.

If you asked me, who could be the perfect Christian Grey, I had a lots of faces in mind on the first few chapters. But midway, I am set on just one person - Matthew Bomer (hence the shower of pics here). It's not just the face. He's got the swag. He can let you see indifference even with the sweetest smile. He can be rough but with soft eyes. He can look determined, yet lost.  Read the book, and look at these pictures of him everytime you come across the character's name or his dillema and agree with me.

*thanks for the owners of the pics, anyways.

Monday, July 09, 2012

Living In the Moment With Mr A-Z

He had me with Bella Luna, which could have been the perfect theme song for the Twilight series.

The Singapore leg of Jason Mraz' world tour, in relation to his latest album Love is a Four-Letter word, was one event that I have eagerly waited for months! For the concert would be my first time to hear and see Jason perform. And boy, was it worth all the wait!

I was there at the newly opened Gardens By the Bay, 3 long hours prior to the concert, standing, closely watching every moment in the empty stage. Save from the intruments and birds hopping from part of the stage to the other, the concert ground was buzzing with excitement.

3 hours before the curtain call

Slowly, the concert grounds was being filled with people of different colors and race, the same time the horizon started to change its hues. The anticipation was building up; shrieks was uttered everytime someone with the same built and hair cut with that of Jason's emerged on the stage, only to be quickly muffled. And when one by one the band members took their position and readied up their intruments, came at last the man of the hour, in simple shirt, jeans and hat, barefooted! I love the long, curly locks, his beard, his Be Loved tat, his lean bod and how his eyes speak a thousand words.

Jason started the off the concert with The World As I See It, and boy, I think my heart stopped for a while. If only the two girls beside me kept their sighs to themselves and didn't cry before me, I would have allowed my tears to flow as much as they've wanted to. But still, I got my goosies. Jason's voice was more soothing live, making his every word and his melody reach the deepest of my heart. All throughout, my hands were either over my heart, pumping up in the air, swaying or clapping. My eyes fixed on him, and I would melt whenever his gaze turns towards where I stand - of course making myself believe he was looking at me (I swear I strongly believe he was!).

Hearing him sing Beautiful Mess,  Bella Luna, Mr. Curiosity and I Won't Give Up gave me the same sweet, haunting feeling everytime I listen to these songs. As I watched him do his wacka-wacka like moves while singing Butterfly, man, my knees wobbled and my toes curled up. So sexy!

can anybody rock this outfit any cooler than this man?

I missed my husband more when he played The Woman I Love. How the band played I'm Coming Over made me feel how it would be like to spend a night with him and the band, jamming.

Although Toca was terribly missed, the ensemble was more than enough to fill the gap. The brass guys where so much fun to watch as they made music with their sax and trumpet. The violin added lovingly to the vibe.

Singapore's local artist Corrine May, graced the concert and sang Lucky with Jason. I enjoyed it but it would have been more lovely had I been the one singing Colby Caillat's part instead.

with Corrine May
All throughout the show, I was screaming, singing to each song, holding my breath from time to time, getting lost in the moment. I was in a different dimension, only to be back on earth by a bumped or nudged by the people around me.

Jason is really a treat to watch on stage. You can see his love to his craft; he knows how to have his crowd be in one with him; he made me believe I was not just there to watch but to be in the journey with him, if only for the night. He is really a master of word play, excellent with his guitar and piano. Singing or just conversing with the crowd, he was like always reciting a poem, and I loved it. His words weren't just nonsense babbling. He was conveying a worthy message, which revolves around God's 2nd general commandment - love your neighbors as you love God.

Although he was not able to play some of the songs I was hoping he would, he is, as is in one of his songs says, "P-E-R-F-E-C-T" and "A-W-E-S-O-M-E"! I felt tired and sore from standing for hours only when we are heading the exit.

His line-up  (not in a particular order) included the following songs (at least those that I remember), and another one he said to be a newly composed song (I think).

The World As I See It
Bella Luna

Be Honest

Living In The Moment
Make It Mine

Curbside Prophet/The Remedy

The Freedom Song

The Woman I Love

I'm Yours

A Beautifull Mess

You and I Both

I'm Coming Over
One Love
Details In The Fabric

Mr. Curiosity

93 Million Miles
I Won't Give Up

Monday, June 04, 2012

panitikan #002

hindi na manunumbalik
gaano mo man ipilit
hindi man sinadya
ika'y nakapanakit

ang tiwalang inilaa'y
nabura, tinangay
nang agos ng kabalintunaang
ikaw ang may gawa

and hindi maarok ay kung bakit?
bakit may dagok?
bakit parang may luhang
lumulunod sa puso't,
nagnanais kumawala.

dahil nasaktan?
o napaglinlangan?
ang malinaw ay wala na,
wala ng salitang
mamumutawi pa.

sa muling pagliwanag
ay wala nang makikita,
ni mararamdaman,
ni maiisip pa.

panitikan #001

pag aking sinabi, malalaman
ang itinatago'y maisisiwalat.
iiwas ang mata
ang oras ay maiiba
magbabago ka

pag ako'y nanahimik, mas mainam
lahat ay mananatili
sa kung nasaan,
ikaw, ako, lahat.

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Happy 57th Mama! Cheers!

Today we celebrate our mother’s birthday.  She’s 57.

Though I sometimes gets confused if her birthday falls on the 5th or 7th, I will never be wrong of her age. I will always remember that she got pregnant at 21. The story of how I was conceived and the fairy tale that started due to my presence is something for the books, I must tell you. My parents’ love story was the classic “you and me against the world type”. And they have survived the world.      

And yes, today is our mother’s 57th birthday. Her life, safe to say, revolves around these roles – a daughter, a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a friend. How I am now, what I am now can be credited to (or blamed on) how I see her growing up.      

I have seen, to this day, how diligent and submissive of a daughter she is.  The way she has been as a wife was what made me thought at the tender age of eight that being a mother is the best profession in the world – that, that is what would complete me. Everyday I would watch her, and experienced first hand, her patience, passion, love and understanding to us, her four children. She would painstakingly prepared reviewers for us, taught us how to read, guide us through our lessons and crafts. Imitating her was something like a serious past time for me, as I learn how to chop vegetables and meat, cook, sew, deal with people. I enjoy the times she would brush and braid my hair, one thing I enjoyed doing to my daughter now. She calmly explained to us how easier it is to fight back at people who put us down or hurt us, and how harder it is, yet more humane to just walk away and leave everything to God.

Mama’s words sometimes go against her actions, she’s not a saint anyways. She would be mad and shouting at us sometimes to finish our chores but would still finish them herself in the end. When I was giving birth to my first child, it was her that I was calling for. And what motivated me that I can go through that successfully, aside from making sure I get to see my baby well, is the thought that Mama have gone through that four times, without the medicinal advancement I was enjoying at that time.

And now that I have my own kids, Mama is still there. She "takes" my place whenever I had to work abroad for a while. And when I am home, she would still do everything to make my life easier. I could go on forever giving praises and somewhat spill some sour beans about her unintentionally.  But to sum it all, I am very much thankful for the 36 years of your life shared with us.

Happy Birthday, Mama! I love you.