About Me

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"i'm a bitch, i'm a mother, i'm a child, i'm a lover. i'm a sinner, but not a saint ... I've been where nobody else have dared. I am what no one dreamt of being.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Missing "Me"

I used to be Ms. Confrontational. On my forehead you can read "DO NOT MESS WITH ME", and in my mouth forms the words "I SWEAR YOU ARE GOING TO REGRET IT".

If someone cross me, that's his/her end. That person's world will flip as it turns 180. If you raise your voice on me, mine will be more defeaning. If you curse, I'll give it back ten folds (not counting what's left in my mind, unsaid). If you touch a friend or a family member, I'll give you a kick like hell.

That was me. The me now is very, very different. When I became a mother, that "me" took a back seat - far, far back. Though it sometimes forgets I don't want her anymore and resurfaces, especially when I am provoked. But most of the time, even when my vision becomes blur of too much anger, it stays where it is; burning, in a straightjacket.

Sometimes though I miss that "me". Whenever I am in a situation when someone feels he is in charge when in truth is, he ain't; when someone believes it so hard that his rationalization is very acceptable when actually it is dumb; or if someone tries to be a know-it-all, I look back to that far, far end of my being, wanting to unleash that "me" and give this person a high doze of his own medicine.

For a few weeks now, that "me" has been waving too franctically because of some people who are really trying my wits. And I have come too close for switching places with it even for just a few moments. But, I guess, with much divine intervention and support from real friends, I find the will still to turn my back on it.

But please, God, help me.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Matt Bomer as Christian Grey, or nobody

That my most ardent dream is to see Matthew Bomer play the lead protagonist Christian Grey in the highly anticipated screen adaptation of the controversial 50 Shades of Grey trilogy from  E L James.

And there is no turning back. Here goes everything, as they say. If ever Christian's character won't be played by Matt Bomer, I may still be in the theatre to watch the adaptation, not to enjoy it, but to find even the most minute flaw of whoever is gonna play it.

I came across this very believable and interesting magazine cover. Damn right the grey silk tie would look perfectly on Matt!

an image created by an equally crazed-for-Matt-as-Christian-Grey fan

I've been asked "You still like him even if he's gay?". With raised right brow and finger snap I say, "Yes, Sir!". The question is baseless.

Screenwriter Bret Easton Ellis, who has his palms twitching to have a go with the novel, must be bombarded with tweets and messages to not look for any face or name anywhere else - you only have one perfect choice! See there's even a petition going for this cry.

Look here! I also got a snapshot of the tweets shouting for the same request!

I must have said this a million times, and there's no stopping until the fat lady cries - Matt Bomer please!

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Heartbreak on the 4th

The guy above is Charlie Lubeck. He's one of those whom I am rooting for in the second season of The Glee Project. Inspite his originality, enormouse talent and impressive credentials, he was cut out of the show. And it was sad, as sad as when Cameron Mitchell voluntarily left the show's first season.

I kinda expected that Charlie Lubeck will be eliminated the moment he was announced as  part of the bottom three, for Fiercelessness week in The Glee Project Season 2. It's his fourth in a row anyway, and the reason for being so is still on the same line - that he has his own world when it comes to group challenges (basically means "you don't follow instructions, Charlie!"). And his entertaining rendition of Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual" wasn't enough to save him another week.

Did producer/write Ryan Murphy make the right decision that week? Or, were  Robert Ulrich, Nikki Anders and Zach Woodlee even in their right frame of mind putting Charlie on for performance in front of Ryan Murphy? I swear Ryan could have casted Charlie as a regular of Glee the first time he saw him. Who wouldn't? Charlie is a complete package - looks, chaps, charisma. But the reality is, Ryan wasn't looking for a newbie to play "The Charlie Lubeck Show". He is looking for someone he could create a character and write interesting stories for, and could go well with the rest of the cast.

And, to be fair, they did a good job with Samuel Larsen and Damian McGinty so they must know what they're doing right?

Thursday, July 12, 2012


So, I am more than 50 shades deeper into the twisted life of Christian Grey. But, like his muse Anna, it kind of feels like finally seeing  the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. For how long and excruciating the ride will be, I'd now when I reach the final page.

What is it again that draws me to this book? Yeah, it is Christian - and all his hang-ups, baggage, and fucked up notion of how life was, and should be, for him.

I am trying to be patient here with him, probably as much as Anna does. And it is hard to do this and be able to focus on work.

I've dived in deep and I am liking it.

Tainted with 50 Shades of Grey

There are a few things that I go through to feel, or know, if a book is a good read or not. First, I read the synopsis. If I didn't find it any good but have this nagging  "I'd-be-making-a-big-mistake-if-I-put-it-down" feeling, I read the first paragraph and see how this feeling is turning into. If I still find the first paragraph not enough, I flip on a random page and read the first exchange of dialogues I could see from there. And, fortunately, by that time, the feeling will be as clear as the sun and I am on my way to find a "nice place" to let the time pass by in the company of a good, lengthy read.

But,  as always, there is an exception to the rule. And it comes with the title 50 Shades of Grey - an adult literary piece that talks about passion, eroticism, romance and conflicts, in the most easy-breezy way a novelist could ever have penned.

Alright, apart from the uncommon love story between a gawky, insecure, yet unknowingly feisty woman (Anastasia Steele) and a domineering, way-up handsome and established man (Christian Grey),  the novel speaks about the "unspeakable" truth and existence of a kind of relationship called Dominant/Submissive, and how this intricacy provides (or prevents, depending on what perspective you take) the way of mending a broken past and develops a better future for the two.

The book, for me, is a combination of  literary classics like  Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibiliy (both by Jane Austen)  or Jane Eyre (by Charlotte Brontë) and Anne Rice's erotic composition The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty. 

One would enjoy the high-falluting words sporadically used, for one. The vivid and luscious description of "distasteful" sexual acts like bondage, spanking, blindfolding, gagging, hard and seething sex may be too incomprehensible and too much for one's palatte. I remembered uttering reaction such as "geesh!", "ouch!", "fuck off!" at times. But as I continue on, I found myself envisioning it with such pleasure and excitement. Needless to say that accepting that this is an integral part of the characterisation of the lead protagonist is very important. One has to see it on a bigger scale and not just take it as it is. Of course there are "hard limits" and "soft limits" to a Dom/Sub set-up, as the novel suggested, so both parties must be clear on this onset. Above all reason for doing anything is,  "you aim to please". Do I sound like I am wanting it?

The emotions, sceneries, tension, and game plans were described in such a way that it would make you feel you were there, you were them. It helped that the novel is set in this generation - the characters, the technology, the surroundings.  It is easy to understand, it is easy to be in the moment. The shifting of emotions were quick yet crisp. The characters were depicted with individualism, but with perfect coherence to the story.

I laughed, got teary-eyed, got frightened, hated, got confused, got excited, sympathised, cried, got worried and aroused while reading the novel. It was a roller coaster ride of emotions! I went to sleep and woke up after a few hours with the characters, especially Christian, in my mind. And if I try to deviate my attention, it his face (or how I imagine him to look like) that I still see. I feel for him more than I do Ana.

Is 50 Shades of Grey a good read then? Absolutely. It makes you want to reach the end and asking for more when you finally do. Good thing it is a trilogy.

If you asked me, who could be the perfect Christian Grey, I had a lots of faces in mind on the first few chapters. But midway, I am set on just one person - Matthew Bomer (hence the shower of pics here). It's not just the face. He's got the swag. He can let you see indifference even with the sweetest smile. He can be rough but with soft eyes. He can look determined, yet lost.  Read the book, and look at these pictures of him everytime you come across the character's name or his dillema and agree with me.

*thanks for the owners of the pics, anyways.

Monday, July 09, 2012

Living In the Moment With Mr A-Z

He had me with Bella Luna, which could have been the perfect theme song for the Twilight series.

The Singapore leg of Jason Mraz' world tour, in relation to his latest album Love is a Four-Letter word, was one event that I have eagerly waited for months! For the concert would be my first time to hear and see Jason perform. And boy, was it worth all the wait!

I was there at the newly opened Gardens By the Bay, 3 long hours prior to the concert, standing, closely watching every moment in the empty stage. Save from the intruments and birds hopping from part of the stage to the other, the concert ground was buzzing with excitement.

3 hours before the curtain call

Slowly, the concert grounds was being filled with people of different colors and race, the same time the horizon started to change its hues. The anticipation was building up; shrieks was uttered everytime someone with the same built and hair cut with that of Jason's emerged on the stage, only to be quickly muffled. And when one by one the band members took their position and readied up their intruments, came at last the man of the hour, in simple shirt, jeans and hat, barefooted! I love the long, curly locks, his beard, his Be Loved tat, his lean bod and how his eyes speak a thousand words.

Jason started the off the concert with The World As I See It, and boy, I think my heart stopped for a while. If only the two girls beside me kept their sighs to themselves and didn't cry before me, I would have allowed my tears to flow as much as they've wanted to. But still, I got my goosies. Jason's voice was more soothing live, making his every word and his melody reach the deepest of my heart. All throughout, my hands were either over my heart, pumping up in the air, swaying or clapping. My eyes fixed on him, and I would melt whenever his gaze turns towards where I stand - of course making myself believe he was looking at me (I swear I strongly believe he was!).

Hearing him sing Beautiful Mess,  Bella Luna, Mr. Curiosity and I Won't Give Up gave me the same sweet, haunting feeling everytime I listen to these songs. As I watched him do his wacka-wacka like moves while singing Butterfly, man, my knees wobbled and my toes curled up. So sexy!

can anybody rock this outfit any cooler than this man?

I missed my husband more when he played The Woman I Love. How the band played I'm Coming Over made me feel how it would be like to spend a night with him and the band, jamming.

Although Toca was terribly missed, the ensemble was more than enough to fill the gap. The brass guys where so much fun to watch as they made music with their sax and trumpet. The violin added lovingly to the vibe.

Singapore's local artist Corrine May, graced the concert and sang Lucky with Jason. I enjoyed it but it would have been more lovely had I been the one singing Colby Caillat's part instead.

with Corrine May
All throughout the show, I was screaming, singing to each song, holding my breath from time to time, getting lost in the moment. I was in a different dimension, only to be back on earth by a bumped or nudged by the people around me.

Jason is really a treat to watch on stage. You can see his love to his craft; he knows how to have his crowd be in one with him; he made me believe I was not just there to watch but to be in the journey with him, if only for the night. He is really a master of word play, excellent with his guitar and piano. Singing or just conversing with the crowd, he was like always reciting a poem, and I loved it. His words weren't just nonsense babbling. He was conveying a worthy message, which revolves around God's 2nd general commandment - love your neighbors as you love God.

Although he was not able to play some of the songs I was hoping he would, he is, as is in one of his songs says, "P-E-R-F-E-C-T" and "A-W-E-S-O-M-E"! I felt tired and sore from standing for hours only when we are heading the exit.

His line-up  (not in a particular order) included the following songs (at least those that I remember), and another one he said to be a newly composed song (I think).

The World As I See It
Bella Luna

Be Honest

Living In The Moment
Make It Mine

Curbside Prophet/The Remedy

The Freedom Song

The Woman I Love

I'm Yours

A Beautifull Mess

You and I Both

I'm Coming Over
One Love
Details In The Fabric

Mr. Curiosity

93 Million Miles
I Won't Give Up