When realization strikes ...

Some years ago, before I found the man I am happily married to now, I was on a different element. I would like to claim, forgive my being narcissistic, that I am a smooth operator. I get what I want - my time, my way. To say that I am slick is an understatement. I may not be the drop-dead gorgeous kinda gal, but I have my charms indeeed. And I know how to used it - back then.

Back then. Back then. Back then.

10 yrs into being married and with a kid, I kinda lost that "power". Not that I need it. I guess I just want to have my confidence back. I am not enjoying standing behind the curtain At least I want the power to stir something great.


Just ranting.

C'est la Vie

Do you see yourself luckywith all the things you've achieved
and the dreams you have realized?
Do you see each as your driving force;
The wind that takes you thus far?

There may be moments of gray clouds,
yet there are times of rainbows.
There are times of endless cries,
after which are days of joys.

Life you see, can be a deceitful lover
for it can send you to the bridge of insanity.
But then life can be your one true love
that can be the only reason of your existence.

Live life and die today!
Have no shadows of regrets.
Celebrate life with all its thorns,
Breathe life and turn your back on sorrows.

A Lullaby

I have written poems
'bout our fruits of love
But haven't penned one
'bout you and our life.
So here's one just for you
not just to say "I love you",
but to hail my admiration
and my undying appreciation.

We had a rocky start
and rocky our life's still.
But I never once felt
that you're loosing faith
that what we've started
is worth living for;
that what God has blessed us with
is enough to let us soar.
Sour into new heights
and defy all the odds,
we will in God's time.
With you I lay my heart
and our kids' life.

Other's may perceive our life differently
but both of us know the truth,
of how hard our road has been.
Hard, yes, but I see it as our destiny.
And I trust our Lord
that we will finally see the rainbow's end.
Our journey may have been bumpy,
but with you as my husband
and the kids as our joys,
life is LIFE!, love is LOVE!

I love you won't be enough,
without you, I dare not face life.
But I love you, I'll say true.
In love with you, I'll stay still.
Hon, you've been my pillar of strength
more than I have been for you.
I pray that we stay,
whatever comes our way.
I pray that we'll all be together
in all of our days.

Ang tao, habang tumatanda at nabubuksan ang isip sa samu't-saring kaalaman, nagbabago. Maaring maging mas mabuting nilalang o madala sa mabilis na daloy ng kawalang-patutunguhan.

Ang tao rin, habang nagiging maalam (pwede ring tingin nya lang maalam na sya), ay nagkakaroon ng pakiramdam na angat sya sa iba, na lagi syang tama. Na kung ano man ang binitawan nyang salita, itaga mo sa bato at maubos man ang buhok, paninindigan nya yun.

Napakadali sa isang tao ang mag-ari ng papuri at pagkilala na "Oo, tama ka.". Subalit napakahirap namang tanggapin, lalo na sa sarili, na "Punyeta, mali ako!"

Bakit nga ba? Kabawasan ba ng karangalan ang umako ng kamaliang ikaw naman talaga ang maygawa? Maayos ba ang isang bagay kung patuloy mong paninindigan ang isang maling desisyon dahil lang takot kang masabihang tanga? O katangahan nga ba ang magkamali?

Maraming pwedeng maging puno't dulo ng isang pagkakamali. Ngunit gano man ang gawing pagdepensa sa kung bakit ka naging mali, isa lang ang nanatiling katotohanan. Mali ka. Tanggapin na lang at magsuhestiyon kung pano mo itatama yun. Pano itatama ha, hindi kung pano mo isasalba ang sarili mo sa pagiging tanga (oo na, nde na katangahan ang magkamali. pero sa kawalan ng ibang termino, tanga lang talaga pwede ... ehehehehe). Yun, eh kung paniniwalaan ka pa - at yan ang mahirap.

Me mga araw pa naman na parang pinagbagsakan ka na ng mundo at parang lahat ng gawin mo ay palpak. At ang masaklap pa, ang pagtanggap ng kamalian ay parang paglunok ng pinakamapait na gamot na pwede mong matikman. Mahirap tanggapin pero alam mong dapat mo ng lagpasan. Be done and over with, ika nga. Tapos, nde pa agad mawawala sa panlasa mo ang pait at habang pilit mong winawaksi ang pait, para namang nanunudyo ang isip at paulit-ulit na maglalaro yung maling nagawa mo. Minsan pa, dala mo hanggang pag-idlip at magugulat ka na lang na pagkalipas ng panahon, nasa balikat mo pa pala. Ay saklap!

Ayus lang yun, part of growing up. Lahat naman nagkakamali, everybody goes thru a phase of stupidity. Charge it to experience na lang. Tawanan mo pag nababalikan, ngusuan mo lang yung mga nanunudyo, ismiran mo pag wala na sa hulog. Pero wag mo nang patulan, katangahan na naman yun. Ok, fine, mali lang pala.

Pero putsa, mahirap talagang tanggapin na mali ka ha! Whew! Pero oks lang. Ayl be payn!

CAMS .. Rants, rave and what's nots

I would like to thank the management for a raise we trully deserve, after having shoved to death's mouth (figuratively) and thrown in the wild. What? No raise still? So that was just a dream then .. Deym! Talk about life getting the best of you but not returning a bit of something to put you back at your feet.

I would still like to think of the increase. But for now, let me talk talk about ... our journey. This is also my homage to my colleagues - to those who have started this project, those who already left (gone mad at implementing the specs perhaps?), those who are still bravely standing, those whom I will held my hands up with when this project finally goes to production. Pals, my hats off to all of you.

CAMS is undeniably the hardest and biggest and weirdest project I have been involved with. Not only for the fact that our specs have gone from the size of a fly to a rhino. Added to that are the users who either do not think first before speaking, or just simply having their ego-trip. I am definitely wasted. Being very far from the comforts of home, thousand of miles away from the warmth of my family - I have been standing on the brink of loosing my wit. My body clock has definitely lost its mind. My lingo has become that of the jargons we have been hearing and reading since time immemorial. I have found new friends and have added new enemies in my hate-book. I can no longer feel the happiness on weekends and I have been missing my soft pillows. I have memorized almost all the songs in my PC.

Probably one of the few positive things that has happened to me was being aware of Augustana's music. Did I say they are ubah-hot and tremendously talented bunch? I just did!

To say that I feel like standing at the edge of a ravine is an understatement. The only tie that's keeping me at bay is the scent of my babies and my husband I so missed.

Alright, there was DreamWorld.. finally we were able to go there. Enjoyed the Snow Town, loved the Super Splash, lost my breath on Viking and Space Mountain, got comfy on the cable car. Wonderful. One of the few times I can say this.

I just wish my previous team members were with us.

To CAMS team, we have been on a bumpy ride, it's been exciting and challenging. I still have my positivity on my sleeves that we would soon ride that TG aircraft soon.

Cheers, life is still great.

Talk About Closure

I am 31 years old, mom of two and happily married. Inspite the ideal situation that I am in, I admit I have been hounded of my past. Not the dark, embarassing kind of "past". But the haunting feeling of a love lost, and a love that was never mine.

I confess that since college, I have been searching for these 2 "loves" that played a big part on my youmg, melodramatic life. I've asked common friends, called hotlines, searched the net .. say it, I've done it. What was I after for, you may ask. It's closure. Just like any other person who feels like there were still questions unanswered, feelings left or the denial of its non-existence.

And now, after 10 yrs I was able to look at the faces of these two great loves - at least that's what I thought of them years back. What I found out is that, there were questions no more and definitely the feelings were nil. And sadly, I had the realization that I spent precious years looking for the closure when I really don't need it.

Damn!

Now what? Freedom. Freedom from the haunting.. freedom from the past. Now I can say, I've moved on.